We survived almost all of human history without it. Yet in the last 100 years people have allowed themselves to be hoodwinked by a huge corporate conspiracy into believing that we “need” their products. They cite studies and claim we don’t understand science; they ignore ancient folk wisdom and have no respect for our intuition. They peddle their products without regard to the dramatic increase in chronic diseases and weakened immune systems of recent decades. I’m speaking, of course, of “Big Floss.”

It’s time to take our mouths back from corporate domination. It’s time for alternative dentistry.

To hear the corporate “tools” of Big Floss tell it, we need to use their products not simply every day, but many times a day. They’ve created a seemingly limitless array of products that they are forcing, literally, down our throats. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss, mouth wash! There appears to be no end to the number and type of products they insist we must buy to fuel their corporate ambitions. And even if we behave like sheep and buy their tainted wares, their allies the dentists insists that we must visit them not merely once a year, but twice.

We’re supposed to believe that we benefit from this meddling with the natural order. Really? So please explain how the human race survived just fine to this point without Big Floss. Clearly we didn’t need toothbrushes to survive and even thrive. So why, suddenly, should we be gullible enough to believe that every person should brush his or her teeth after every meal? Has there been even a single randomized controlled double blind study that proved that brushing saves teeth? No, there hasn’t.

Big Floss insists that it has a product for every person, often more than one. Toothpaste to prevent cavities, toothpaste for kids, toothpaste for dentures. Is there any limit to what they will sell in order to increase their profits? And are we really supposed to believe that four out of five dentists recommend Crest? Where’s the data for that claim?

They tricked people into brushing ever day and using toothpaste each time, but that’s not enough for Big Floss. They say that toothpaste prevents plaque buildup and then they turn around and insist that we need mouthwash, too, to kill the harmful germs that cause plaque. Do we look that gullible? And what’s wrong with plaque anyway? It’s natural and probably exists to strengthen our immune system, which has been weakened by constant exposure to toxins and Frankenfood.

Big Floss is not content with tricking us into buying toothbrushes, toothpaste, floss and mouthwash. They insist that we see a dentist twice a year. If their products are so great, why would we ever need to see a dentist? We wouldn’t, but the unholy alliance of Big Floss and Dentistry has colluded to increase the profits of both. Don’t believe me? The dentist always tells you that you should brush every day, and Big Floss always recommends dental checkups. What more evidence do you need?

It’s time to end our reliance on Big Floss. It’s time for alternative dentistry. Those who truly educate themselves about teeth in nature know that toothbrushes and toothpaste are unnecessary. If our ancestors didn’t need them, we don’t need them, either. We can care for our teeth with a diet of fruit, vegetables and vitamin supplements.

In the rare situation in which more is needed, we can dose ourselves with ancient herbs or pull out rotten teeth the natural way, by tying a string around the both the tooth and the doorknob and giving the door a big shove. Forget novocaine. Why would we dose ourselves with medication to numb the pain of a tooth extraction? Those who really care about their teeth want to savor every natural feeling, not deaden it with chemicals.

And let’s not forget preventive care. If you want to be sure that you have healthy teeth, all you need to do is buy powdered Bio-identical Teeth®. Unlike artificial toothpastes or mouthwashes, powdered Bio-identical Teeth® is all natural, made from human teeth with no fillers or animal products. Because it is “bio-identical” it is more effective than artificial toothpaste could even be.

It’s time to unite and fight the corporate conspiracy of Big Floss. No more toothbrushes, no more toothpaste, and no more visits to the dentist. Let’s live as Nature intended with no artificial colors or preservatives. Let’s care for our teeth naturally for as long as they last.

Brought to you as a public service by the American Pureed Food Industry

(This piece is satire.)