This word salad has more paradoxes and contradictions built into it than a time machine.

Libertarians

Libertarians, more commonly known as Lolbertarians, are ashamed of the fact that the vast majority of the world's politicians today are fat, ugly fugly vampires nurturing themselves by sucking the free spirit out of the back bones of ordinary citizens through methods of merging government power with corporate power, growing the police state at an alarming rate, and bailing out multi billionaire bankers and Wall Street investors who would otherwise fail in a free market society.

Libertarians therefore do not want to continue pretending that our politicians are democratically elected leaders. As such, many American libertarians are currently trying to flee the growing fascistic elements of their corporate-controlled government and reckless military-industrial-complex-turned-police-state, by making a mass exodus to locations as far away from the political power centers as possible (sometimes even leaving America for obscure and remote parts of the world such as rural Iceland), where only the raccoons will hear their loud cries for liberty; because by now they realize that hiding from Big Brother by going off the grid, and living deep underground with no internet or contact with the outside world is the only real option left to protect their right to privacy.

The essence of libertarianism is that governments should stop controlling people's lives and should instead let individuals take care of themselves as if they were actually grown-up adults and not babies sucking off the teat of the nanny state, constantly whining about their inability to cope in the modern world just because they can't see their own hand held out in front of their face past the the smog on a bad in Beijing, or because their drinking water is flammable. More-or-less intelligent people with free will should be capable of making their own decisions about what products to buy and what sorts of lifestyles are worth endorsing through the free support (or withdrawal) of their dollars. This is in direct opposition to the current practice of the IRS taking Americans' dollars through force to pay for bailouts of wealthy people, or to pay for endless overseas wars which Americans neither support nor know anything about since they are too busy playing Farmville or watching football on 72" LCD screens anyway.

Libertarians believe that if you are dumb enough to shop at Wal-mart and fat enough to eat at McDonald's, then that is obviously your problem and not theirs when you have a heart attack on the highway six meters in front of them. Those kinds of people can go die of diabetes in their sweat stained lazy-boy chairs with barbecue grease dribbling down their triple chin as their illiterate mongoloid children run around barefoot without the benefit of tax-payer funded health care or public schools, because obviously these sorts of people should not be encouraged to have any more children, but should still have to flip the bill for their own sterilizations. Some people call this view elitist, but Libertarians just call it the bitter truth of reality.

Libertarians despise the government because the trolls that run it abuse their power while for some strange reason believe that the people running corporations are all descendents of Ghandi. Well, actually no, they couldn't give a shit about Ghandi either, as he was obviously just another fame whore bent on "saving the world" and thus winning all the awards and accolades that go along with being The Great Philosopher of World Peace, and thus was no morally different than a CEO who happens to derive his/her personal reward in the form of money that is freely offered by consumers who obviously find merit in the product or service being offered. One protesters hunger strike is just another board member's impromptu diet. Be it world peace or Pepsi, consumers shape the world they want through the goods or services they demand. At some point it appears that people started to desire Pepsi more than World Peace, though this is obviously not the fault of Pepsi.

Classical Liberalism and Libertarianism are often confused by Brits who want to take cheap shots at the foundations of American political philosophy, and who are in denial about history and the happy fact that Americans won their little Revolutionary War and are, duh, winning! Or at least were winning up until the last few decades before the state grew too big and the masses became dumbed-down because state education does not encourage people to think for themselves and be strong willed, free thinking individuals who remember where their country came from in the first place. As such, Brits often partake in a bit of sadistic glee in watching our national downfall unfold.

Classical Liberalism started as people attempting to free themselves from authority, which at that time meant the British Monarchy. As soon as a new old authority came along in the form of corporations the Federal Reserve (see Rothschilds), Classical Liberals realized that Americans were now going to be wage slaves no matter what economic policies the federal government enacted. People against Authority later changed their name to Libertarians once the idea of big government authoritarianism somehow became synonymous with being "progressive". Why this happened, the classical liberals will probably never know. Later, capitalists Republicans realized that Libertarianism protects the rights of individuals to property ownership and the free market system, though they paid little attention to the civil liberties aspect of libertarianism which is actually far more fundamental to the philosophy than economics. Anti-Authoritarians have since tried to use the word Anarchist to escape the capitalists Republicans finally, but the capitalists Republicans still trying to be one step ahead tried to use Anarcho-Capitialism, though the Libertarians called them out on that move too, and dubbed the term "neo-cons".

A libertarian in mating season

The typical "modern libertarian" is an anti-government, beer-drinking, crack-smoking, gun-toting, bomb-making, orgy-participating, porn-loving, South Park-watching, straight, male, American "don't fuck with me" motherfucker who lives with his mom and hates the state. Cheap sex, deadly flavors of the evil weed known as pot, and the latest and greatest style of handguns being available in every convenience store wouldn't concern a libertarian in the least. Nor would it really bother them all that much if the government cut costs by shutting down all the prisons and laying off the military. Libertarians are also known for opposing those evil commies and Arab types who seek to tyrannize the world with economic and personal repression based on dumb statist values and compassion paid for with other people's money. This includes, in the U.S.: the Democrats, Republicans, Ron Paul, Rand Paul and the Quakers; and in Canada: the Liberals, NDP, Greens, and Mounted Rangers.

Libertarianism is believed to have started in early 1884 when founding fathers John Locke and Thomas Jefferson decided to spice up their liberal values in order to impress Ayn Rand with whom they both were in love. When Miss Rand chose to propose to L Ron Hubbard instead, the two gentlemen founded the libertarian principle Anything Goes, lost their marbles and tried to assassinate Mr. Hubbard, an attempt that failed when John Locke sneezed, being allergic to gun powder.

Libertarians oppose the Iraq War, the War on Drugs, the War on Poverty, the War on War, and most other wars except wars with their allies. Because, to quote Lysander Spooner, "War is the health of the state," and Libertarians are about having the state be atrophied and diseased whenever possible. Therefore, ironically, they support the War on the State - which, they assure us, will be launched "any day now."

Likewise, Libertarians oppose the war on kiddie porn. For one thing, kiddie porn studios are capitalistic, consistently turning handsome profits, which is what America is supposed to be about, Constitutionally at least; and they consistently employ nubile Americans over swarthy, chubby foreigners, so it is an America-first stance. Further, the war on kiddie porn is the stuff of victimless crimes, which Libertarians oppose at every turn. The kid already having been exploited, one more copy of a video is not going to do anyone any additional harm.

Indeed, the Libertarian Party website for a long time had a section devoted to choice kiddie porn. This was removed abruptly when the party's interest in "unlimited consumer choice" gave way to the obvious benefit of posturing about "filthy paedo scum who should be strung up with the commies," Republicans leading the way for Libertarians, as happens more than a little.

Indeed, Libertarians, who often wear shoes made by 5-year-old Siberian enslaved orphans, have scant grounds to complain about films being made around 14-year-old Danes whom their own government doesn't see fit to protect. Not that we would want it to.

1992 Libertarian Candidate for President

Contrary to popular belief, Libertarians don't support anything and are avid complainers. Mostly consisting of PO'ed Republicans, the party is often criticized by socialists/democrats/commies for support for the well-known evil capitalism and not putting in enough community service hours. Libertarians claim that capitalism is vilified wrongly, but no one listens. They scream and shout for full freedom to do as you will so long as it doesn't infringe on the ability for others to do as they please. This has prompted some badass one-liners, such as the slogan "Your rights end where mine begin" and bringing back the "Don't tread on me" flag.

In short, if you don't like capitalism and freedom, then move to China and be happy in squalor, as China is famous for strictly regulating and controlling private businesses, especially the production of toys and milk, and for maintaining ridiculously high wages for the workforce, especially for those spoiled 8-year-olds.

Other less popular views:

To honor the sacred Libertarian cause, industrial-metal pioneer Oscar Wilde and his partner in crime, the famous novelist Trent Reznor, wrote these immortal lyrics of protest, which have been set to a famously stirring melody.

When the Libertarians come to townEverything will turn upside downNo one will wear a frownWhen the Libertarians come to town

The government will shrink to naughtYour coffee will always be hotAnd it will be the cheapest you've ever boughtWhen the Libertarians come to town

You won't have to pay income taxesNo need to worry about downsizers' axesThe best companies will send you faxesWhen the Libertarians come to town

The invisible Hand of Nature will keepEvery business exec and veepOn the straight and narrow, and we all will reapPeace and plenty when the Libertarians come to town

The free market will improve every schoolChild geniuses will become the ruleOur learning will make every nation droolWhen the Libertarians come to town

When the Libertarians to Washington comeThe streets will clear of vandal and bumPimps and pushers will get to runSafe and legal businesses for everyoneWhen the Libertarians come to town

Send in the Libertarians...Send in the Libertarians...Won't someone, please, send in the Libertarians...Sob.

A libertarian protesting to support big business.

A Libertarian can be one of two people. The type of Republican you never see, named Fat-Cats, or the type of Democrats you don't want to see, named Politically Active Hippies. All forty-nine party members are difficult to find. There are very specific instructions in order to catch one.

It is a well-known fact that since most Libertarians are engineers and IT guys, they rule the internet. However, in real life, their unkempt appearance and breath that smells of stale coffee and halitosis (a fake disease concocted by Listerine) means that they usually are not taken seriously.

However, it is mainly their near anarchistic anti-regulatory fault that you get so much ads and fake news.

There is a train of thought popular with the religious right that tends to regard Libertarians as a bunch of self-centered, tax-avoiding uncharitable atheist Scrooges, but this is far from the case. In 2008, for example, the Libertarian funded "Give A Shit For The Starving Africans" foundation managed to raise 333,000,000 cubic tonnes of pot brownies which was duly shipped to the poorer areas. Reactions to this display of generosity were very positive, especially among Libertarians.

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