By Ron Hart

Osama bin Laden, who makes more disturbing tapes than Paris Hilton and is similarly fighting to remain relevant, reappeared recently taking credit for the Nigerian crotch bomber’s failed mission to Detroit. I predict that in his next missive, Osama will claim responsibility for moving Jay Leno to the 10 P.M. time slot on NBC.

Osama has so many tapes out there that you can now buy them all from a late night commercial, and they will throw in a special spring break video, “Jihad Girls Gone Wild,” for free! Collect the whole set!

First bin Laden sent the bumbling shoe bomber, Richard Reed, and, now this guy. You have to give Osama credit; he somehow convinced these two genius jihadists that they could start out in al Qaeda as suicide bombers and work their way up in the organization. Osama was smarter. I hear he started out in the al Qaeda mail room and worked his way up through Operations.

U.S. “intelligence” says bin Laden is still living in the Pakistan border region. However, that does not mean that he doesn’t like to slip into Afghanistan from time to time for a musical or a concert, or to enjoy an elegant dinner with his wives. Maybe he prefers living in the Pakistan suburbs for the schools and lower taxes. He was recently quoted as saying, “There is less Shiite to put up with out here.”

Osama is reportedly still the wealthiest person in the tribal area. It speaks volumes about their form of capitalism and government when the richest guy lives in a cave. Why are we so scared of these people?

Here is my idea to help our 16 government agencies catch Osama bin Laden. Based on what we know about him (he is 6’5”, has 52 brothers and sisters, and has fathered forty kids with at least five different women all by himself), and he carries guns---so they might want to make sure he is not playing in the NBA. I would suggest checking the LA Clippers, as no one else pays attention to who they have on their team and so he could hide easily.

Ron Hart is a libertarian op-ed humorist whose new book, No Such Thing as a Pretty Good Alligator Wrestler, is available at http://www.RonaldHart.com