Gutmann astral-projecting her vision for a better tomorrow.

Photo, with edits by Sammy Gordon, by Avalon Morrel / The Daily Pennsylvanian and Adrien DONOT / CC BY-NC 4.9

By CLAIRE CAO

October 15, 2020 at 12:00 am

A Message to the Penn Community

Amy Gutmann, President

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Dear Organ Farms,

I write to you today out of deep sympathy for how much you were anticipating your fall and spring breaks: dodging texts from your high school friends, nibbling on expired Bugles in your childhood bed, achieving your final form as a shriveled-up slug all unfairly stripped from you. I see you. I feel you. I hear you.

Just kidding. Ive been a little hard of hearing lately, and its because Im approaching several centuries in age. Yet, through personal donations from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. What a rush that was!

That being said, Ill always cherish the first time I metaphysically absorbed a student's youth and happiness to preserve my immortality. But the truth is that you guys are no longer giving me anything to mooch off of, anything to live vicariously (and literally) through. I am drained from lying year after year about how every class is better, cuter, and smarter than the last. If anything, youre getting far worse, uglier, and stupider as time goes by. Its almost like you guys want me to shrivel up with you and this flawless blonde hair doesnt just maintain itself! Take James Morrison (C22), for example. His soul used to be a size S, but with some wear and tear, its shrunk to a size XXS. What do you expect me to do with that?

Therefore, my juicy little friends, I have decided on your behalf to donate your would-be relaxation this fall and spring to my immortality fund. To clarify, this will be added to the existing general fee Im still waiting on your soul by the end of the semester, James and I will be eternally grateful as I absorb your remaining happiness with every ounce of my impeccably-groomed being. Some of you may perish in the process, but that is a noble sacrifice I am willing to make. Students come and go, empires rise and fall, and the only things that can survive it all are capitalism, the Van Pelt bag checkers, and my iron first reign.

Think of it as Penn Fund practice for your future alumni donations. Your fellow students and faculty will surely thank you for your civic duty to our school. After all, its the Year of Civil Engagement, eh?

Happy studying!

XOXO

Forever and ever and ever yours with no intention to stop,

Dr. Amy Gutmann

Original post:
Unfulfilled Fall and Spring Break Relaxation to Be Channeled Towards Amy Gutmann's Immortality - Under the Button