Is true, lasting monogamy a fading institution?

Ive worked with individuals, happily married couples, people on the dating scene, marriages on the rocks, new relationships, poly-amores, and everything in between.

I wouldnt say monogamous relationships are harder or easier to do really well than committed, consensually open relationships.

When Im working with a couple we aim to make their relationship fantastic. With this as the focus they stop thinking of monogamy as an issue either way. Seriously, people who are in a fantastic relationship arent coming to me to discuss their struggles with monogamy. (Or non-monogamy.) Its a non-issue.

That said, here is what we know about monogamy that works:

Working monogamy is monogamy in practice. Its not conceptual. Its not a personality type (as much as one might insist that it is). Monogamy is a relationship state. It means being monogamous to a real live human being, with all of their quirks and gifts and uniqueness.

What this means is, if youre currently in search of your ideal soul-mate, your perfect match on this EarthIf you left a partner who cheated on youIn short, if you are not in a relationshipThen I hate to break it to you: you are not monogamous.

You cant be monogamous without the who that you are monogamous to. What you are instead is what we might call monogamous to monogamy. You are monogamous to an idea. Its simply not the same as being monogamous to someone.

Why? Because it takes a lot to connect with another human being. All the more so, to connect in a way that eclipses all others.

If youre not actually in such a relationship if youre not doing what it takes to connect with someone at that level, grappling with the beautifully messy realities and complexities of human relating Im sorry but you have no claim to monogamy. There are plenty of people out there who are using their laundry list of ideals, monogamy among them, to avoid relationships rather than to get into one.

So get all up in there with someone. Then maybe we can have a meaningful conversation about monogamy.

Working monogamy is organic monogamy. Monogamy that arises spontaneously because the relationship really is that good. Where the thought of being with someone else draws a rather blank stare and a Why?

Organic monogamy is descriptive rather than prescriptive. It requires no effort and draws little attention. It isnt so much chosen or negotiated as discovered.

Monogamy is a convenient label for what youre naturally doing, left to your own devices. Just as the Moon travelling freely through space orbits the Earth. Theres no resisting temptation because there isnt anyone funner, sexier, more attractive, more alluring, or better in bed than the one youre with. There isnt any wandering because there isnt anywhere to go. Any step away is a step down from what youve already got.

I dont advocate monogamy as a principle, that its somehow intrinsically right or good or superior. I believe deeply in monogamy as a way that I have seen can work incredibly well, and I help couples have such a rich, fulfilling relationship that, if theyre choosing monogamy, its because its the natural best option for both of them.

Working monogamy is being monogamous to someone (as opposed to demanding monogamy from someone). It doesnt work that way. Monogamy has everything to do with your behavior and nothing to do with your partners.

Sure, you can extort / demand / insist on your partners monogamy. Perhaps indefinitely. But it will never get you a good relationship if you dont already have one.

I frequent a Facebook group for singles who are all followers of a certain very popular motivational speaker. Recently a woman posted that she met a great guy. She described his many wonderful qualities and how well-suited they were. But he refuses to be monogamous, and she was asking the group for thoughts on what to do. I read through the many responses, most of them some variation of telling her to dump the scoundrel and run as fast as she could, since hell never change. Until we got into a discussion of what she really wanted, what monogamy represented to her:

Exclusivity isnt the same as longevity. Exclusivity isnt the same as depth, or intimacy, or commitment. If your desire is to have a committed, long-lasting, passionate, deep, intimate relationship with someone, the only way is to build that kind of relationship with someone.

As for monogamy itself, the only kind of monogamy we really care about is the organic kind, where the relationship is so fantastic that nothing out there compares to what youve got at home. But that too has to be built. If you demand it, you end up with monogamy without longevity, without passion or intimacy or depth.

So having a monogamous relationship does not consist of finding a monogamous partner. Crappy relationships are the birthplace of all the affairs of the supposedly monogamy-minded. Newlyweds are generally not planning their future affairs.

By the same token, building a fantastic relationship can render open relationship status functionally irrelevant.

But in all my years of coaching/teaching and living, for that matter Ive never seen monogamy, in and of itself, make a crappy relationship fantastic.

Focusing on monogamy as an issue wont improve a relationship, but focusing on improving the relationship can neutralize monogamy as an issue.

Previously Published on Medium

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Read more:
Working Monogamy - The Good Men Project