Goodnight, Health Care – Washington Post (blog)

While Obamacare was under consideration, McConnell had strong words for the Democratic majority's tactics, criticizing them for going 'the partisan route.' Now, he seems to be using them. (Meg Kelly/The Washington Post)

In a dark, dark wood-paneled room Down a dark, dark hall Down a dark, dark staircase In a dark, dark building Down another equally long hall Past a row of statues And three ominous guards And two American flags And a man whispering hush And a series of paintings of the Founding Fathers in various attitudes of saintliness and undress Through several thick doors Inaccessible to journalists and far from the keen eyes of the Senate Behind a pile of papers And another pile of papers In a dark, dark box There is The Senate version of the health-care bill. Which of course everyone knows about and which has been discussed perfectly openly.

Do not fear the Senate version of the health-care bill, my child. It is perfectly secure, behind those locked doors and the press secretaries holding silent fingers to their lips. We discussed this concept several years ago, and so no further discussion is needed. Besides, if someone saw it who was not already pure in heart (which includes many in the GOP caucus but excepts McConnell staffers) it might fill them with an unspeakable dread and cause chaos to rein throughout the land, and town halls might be full of yelling and discord instead of joy and mirth.

Therefore, it must be kept there under lock and key, lest it escape and bring disharmony among the people. They would not be able to breakfast in comfort because fear would grip them as they gazed down into their cereal bowls. It might alarm them. They would come and make loud complaints. They would not wish immediately for their senators to vote for it, and it might be allowed to devour entire weeks of the discourse. That is why Sen. Mitch McConnell has undertaken to guard it by day and by night, so that the people may not be startled, and that it will be seen only for a short time, so that our eyes may bear it. He is only protecting us from the things this bill will do. Those few who have laid eyes on it have been stricken silent with amazement, and their faces have appeared on the television across the land crying in anguish (although not so often as you might expect). It is good that this thing has been contained and is being kept safe behind closed doors where it can be revised safely. For if it were allowed to escape early it would be quite startling indeed and who knows what changes might have to occur.

So it remains in that dark room Down those dark stairs Surrounded by men in dark suits (and sometimes seersucker) For who knows what may happen if it is seen? It may even turn people to stone. It may harm you once it gets out, if it sees you. But in the meantime it is safely locked away Down a dark, dark staircase In a dark, dark wood-paneled room In a deep, deep swamp And no debate is needed.