History never repeats when you apply modern perspectives – Stuff.co.nz

OPINION: Time applies a gloss-coat to the past, but I wonder how many great historical moments would fare in a modern light?

Wheels banned

Primitive Cave Town Council has cancelled the trial of the new "wheel"invention after a pedestrian was run over and injured yesterday, the Eurasian Times reports from 40,000BC.

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Sir Edmund Hillary was typically understated about his Everest triumph, but imagine if he had modern gear and sponsorship.

"We've only just learnt to walk upright," said Mayor Lee-Ann Der Thal. "Now we've got these speeding projectiles to contend with."

Manufacturer Sub-Lime Scooters has fixed circular-disk stones or 'wheels' in their tech-speak at either end of a chunk of wood. The device is much faster than the previous 'square-wheeled' version that failed to excite the travelling public.

"The problem is these new wheels are too quick," said Lee-Ann. "They clip along at a pace awkwardly between knuckle-dragging and blind-panic running, which catches bipeds unawares.

"I'm not against progress this isn't the Dark Ages but we've not seen this sort of unease since the last sabre-toothed tiger was euthanased."

The collision victim is said to be stable after his wound was cauterised by burning torch and anointed with bat dung.

Post-modern angst

The Easter Rebellion has been postponed indefinitely until Irish radicals locate a Chief Post Office to occupy as an affront to the figurehead of Government authority.

"It was there a wee while back," said an exasperated commander. "Now it's just a PostBank. Sure, the teller was apologetic, so she was. Says she to me, 'They're separate commercial entities'."

"Says I to her, 'Catch yourself on, Missus. We're here to throw off the yoke of colonial oppression and we can't find the yoke!'

"Lovely woman. Nothing personal."

The commander said insurgents had been dispatched to locate the postal facilities based on gossip that they are now hidden behind rows of magazines, books and stationery.

"Ach sure, I thought at this time of year we could just follow queues of people with parcels under their arms, but no chance.

"It may take some time because the 'agencies' as they call them they move around. I tink the Brits have got wind that we're plannin' somethin'.

"Sorry about leavin' you all under the yoke of colonial oppression for a wee bit longer. Our fellas are desperate for martyrdom too, so we're all hurtin'."

Everest brought to you by...

Climbers Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay returned to Base Camp today after their epic summiting of Mt Everest. With typical no-nonsense candour, the rangy New Zealander announced their feat in words that will echo through history:

"Aw mate, this Active Shell puffy with Power Duck Down Hyperdry Primaloft worked a treat. The Kinetic Proflex contouring in the Cross-Core Technology kept us toasty.

"I'm a bit Hydrophobic, but the Dynamic Venting in the Twin Compression System really performed. And with CleanSport NXT, no odour worries.

"Tenzing's ESS Stability Shank footwear wrapped in Vibram Ortholite with the Falcon-grip Fluxring was more than a match for the rock chimney. I've ditched my steel-capped apiary boots for a pair of Geodesic Tungsten Bluetooth enabled beauties, with Optimiser Select Grip soles and GEOS Emergency Response beacons in the heels.

"Nothing against Ultra Train DWF Finish, or Pertex Quantum inners with Sunsaver PowerFlex, but the Integrated Jetboil was a deal-maker for me.

"Tenzing's a stickler for PolarTech Powergrid and Carbon Core Guard Structure, but there's no topping boots you can make a cuppa in after we knocked the bugger off. Call me sentimental, but nothing tastes as good as climbing-boot tea strained through Alpha Nitro socks with Thinsulate Hypercore."

Up the Creek

English explorer John Hanning Speke has resumed his search for the source of the Nile after a fruitless detour to Nelson, New Zealand.

"Dashed inconvenient. I typed 'Nile beginnings' into the SatNav and it led me here," said the ex-Army officer, standing on the corner of Rutherford and Nile.

"It didn't look terribly African on the Google Earth streetview, in hindsight. I mean, it's a charming historic precinct, don't get me wrong, but it's not what I'm searching for.

"Such is exploring, eh. Take it on the whatsit. Only another 862 results to go."

Manger campers under fire

Authorities have pledged to tighten up shambolic freedom camping bylaws after the latest environmental outrage.

"We can turn a blind eye to toileting in the bushes and turning central city carparks into squatter camps, but it's gone too far," said a Bethlehem Shire Council spokesperson.

"There's been reports on social media of a baby born to travellers overnighting in a manger, for pity's sake. When the news spread via celestial noticeboards, other travellers converged on the makeshift campsite.

"You can't tell me they don't have the money to pay for legitimate campgrounds," said the spokesperson. "From what I hear they've got the gold and frankincense and myrrh besides."

Complaints of no room at nearby inns were "self-serving piffle", he added.

The Council will apply for Government funding to build new manger infrastructure at tourism hotspots.

Season's greetings

Merry Christmas all. It's been a year of devastating lows, from the mosque massacre to White Island, but for the next few months we have permission to switch off and soothe our psyches. Nature remains a great healer when not thrashing us.

Best wishes for 2020. (Who'd have thought we'd clock up that date?)