Pay no mind to the vague, nonsensical App Store description for Fishbate: This app is about masturbating fish to completion. Or, possibly, to death.

How do I know this? How can I say with such certainty that the app's description, which claims that "shaking the slippery fish" is a "great ice-breaker", is really just full-on fish masturbation simulator? (Aside from the fact that it's called "Fishbate?") Cue the developer's glorious PR pitch, which landed in my inbox this morning:

Hello John,

I was wondering if you were interested in downloading my first app on the app store.
It's called "fishbate", and the goal is to masturbate a floppy fish. There are squishy sounds to coincide with the visuals.

I have tried this app. I can confirm these things: When you shake your phone, you are treated to a horrific, wet slurping sound, and as you approach the 50-shake "climax", the frequency of vibration increases. Once you meet the goal, the fish spews pale white liquid from its head (resident fish dick enthusiast Joel Johnson assures me this is called "milt") and dies, according to the ensuing notification windows. I can also confirm that, while you may laugh during the process, you'll feel pretty bad the second it's all over.

So, Apple, just to be clear: It's not OK to release an image browser app that can potentially be used to view porn, among other images, but it is OK to release an app in which you pleasure a fish until it ejaculates. Yeah? Got it. Fishbate is free until February.

UPDATE: Breaking news from the developer!

We are currently working on version 2 which includes Bluetooth multiplayer competition.

Come on. [Fishbate]