Dannys last bet was two years ago.
But I still think about gambling addiction, and the anxieties and worries it digs up, every day and probably always will.
I think about how my fiancs addiction has cost me more than money but my story is not one of doom, and fortunately Danny (not his real name, by the way) is in recovery now.
I was nave about gambling when we met. Occasionally I would get lottery tickets and I bet on the Grand National a few times, but that was it.
On our second date, Danny told me that he had previously had problems with gambling; hed ended up getting into debt but had wiped it off through a debt relief order and didnt do it anymore. At the time I appreciated that openness and honesty, but in hindsight, I simply didnt comprehend what his admission meant.
Our relationship was on again, off again for a few months, but after throwing myself into my degree at university we got back together, and by February 2018, Danny suggested moving in with me. I was ecstatic.
Financially, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Wed always kept our money separate, and knew how much the other earned. We agreed a budget and that wed keep the bills in my name with Danny transferring me his half.
His first payday came and went, and no money appeared in my account. It made me feel incredibly anxious, but I didnt pester him I didnt want to nag.
Gambling didnt enter my mind. I was very trusting and didnt think Danny would be able to go back to it without me noticing.
A week passed, and when I eventually reminded him about the bills, I was met with promises or excuses. Hed lost his bank card; he couldnt access his online banking; he was definitely going into the branch to do it tomorrow.
Then on the morning of 9 March 2018, I received a notification that our online food order had been cancelled due to lack of available funds.
I rang Danny who told me he was at the bank sorting it out. That was the last I heard from him.When he didnt come home that night, I called his mum, who admitted she had discovered he was gambling again and told him that day that if he wasnt honest with me, she would be.
It wasnt until the next morning that Danny rang me from a payphone he had sold his phone in desperation after losing all his money and failing to win it back.
His dad went to get him and brought him home. Danny couldnt look me in the eye. He kept saying sorry, and that he was too scared to face me and tell me the truth. He had spent the night walking around in the rain.
Over the next few days, it was like watching a jigsaw come together before my eyes. I finally realised why we hadnt gone on that holiday, where that particular sum of money went why we had kept splitting up.
Danny had been terrified of committing to a future with me as he knew he wouldnt be able to hide his addiction.He had only agreed to move in with me because his parents had started to become suspicious of his behaviour.
I felt stupid and ashamed as the realisation crept in that wed been living a complete lie. I began to question everything about our relationship, about Danny, and about myself. I felt scared, insignificant and angry at the position he had put me in.
I ranted at him, but I was cautious not to put too big of a burden on Danny. He felt bad enough as it was and guilt-tripping him wouldnt help.
More than that, I loved him and knew that he needed my help. I wanted to protect him and support him. I had no clue how, but I was willing to try anything.
To begin with, Danny opted to return to the Gamblers Anonymous meetings he had attended years before. Then he handed over all his bank cards to meand self-excluded from all the gambling sites he had been using GAMSTOP, which blanket bans users from all online operators. It gave us both peace of mind.
Together, we went through the credit reports for payday loans he had taken out and agreed repayment plans with each.
I was added as an authorised person to act on his behalf but I felt out of my depth. When your partner is an addict, it isnt something you can just talk to your friends about not many people understand.Instead, I sought advice on online forums, which was a mistake.
Almost unanimously, other users told me that I had to walk away from the relationship as Danny would never change.
But I refused to accept that Danny wouldnt stop gambling. I felt that with the right support and attitude he could stop, and I was stubborn. If we worked together and remained positive, we could give it a good go.
Shortly after everything came out, I went through his bank statement from the previous two years. That day was one of the hardest of my life.It wasnt the amounts he had lost that shocked me but how often he had been gambling.
Payday always involved big deposits and big losses. Then there were all the transfers I and others had made to him; I remembered Danny asking to borrow money for everyday things. He had deposited each one straight into an online betting account.
On one day alone, there were over 100 individual bets on really obscure sports, some for just a few pence each and most at unsociable hours. Danny must have waited until I wasnt around or was asleep.
In my darkest moments, I did wonder if there was any hope at all, or any way out of this hole.
People focus on the money, but it is the emotional and mental impact on all those around the gambling addict that is most debilitating. Neither I nor Dannys parents trusted him and unease crept back suddenly whenever problems arose, or questions were asked. Doubt and fear took over at the slightest opportunity.
After my own mental health nosedived, I realised that I had been suppressing grief and stress, bottling everything up as I tried to hold our lives together. I knew I needed support too, so I joined Gam Anon (the sister group to Gamblers Anonymous which supports friends and families of addicts) and had telephone counselling.I had to take time for myself, and will be forever grateful for the way Danny helped me through that.
Today, Danny has a host of blocks in place on his bank account and he is barred from looking at certain content on his phone.
Sometimes there is tension over what he spends money on and in those moments, I cant help thinking back to advice I saw on one of those forums: Count everything, make him provide proof of every last penny spent!Yet my experience is that you must cling to the positives if you want to move forward.
So many good things have come out of Danny coming clean about his addiction: weve stayed together, extended our family, got engaged and booked our wedding.
Weve done things together as a family that we never could have before because he never had any spare cash. We are in a much better financial position we have savings and luckily for us, Dannys debts were not huge so they will be fully paid off by spring 2021.
I have spent a huge amount of time trying to understand the addiction, and what Ive learned has helped me to see that it is beyond the persons control. Nothing makes a person a gambling addict.The impact it has on relationships can be catastrophic, and living in addiction recovery takes hard work, patience, strength and determination. But it is also so rewarding. Lives can change for the better.
Its taken work from us both, but mostly Danny, and Im so glad we persevered.We try to break our lives down into one day at a time we cant control the future, only work with what we have.
Gamblers Anonymous offers free, confidential support to anyone who is, or may be struggling with gambling addiction. Visit the website, email info@gamblersanonymous.org.uk or call the national helpline on 0330 094 0322.
Friends and families can get help from GamAnon. Visit gamanon.org.uk.
GAMSTOP provides gamblers the ability to self-exclude from relevant websites. Visit gamstop.co.uk for more information.
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I discovered my partner was a gambling addict, and stood by him - Metro.co.uk
