I guess I should have sent my story to Giz as well since it reminds me of what this tipster had to say.

I happened to be in an elevator with Steve Jobs who appeared to be eating a small child, blood smeared across his face and spilling down his turtleneck in evanescent streaks. At first I acted like nothing was off – you know, we all try and act natural around el Jobso – but as he gnawed through a bone, which made this unsettling crackling sound, I couldn’t help myself.

"The hell you doing Steve?" I asked.

He stopped chewing and gave me this look like I was the dumbest person on Earth. But then, much to my surprise, he explained himself:

"At first I figured Apple would be the Visigoths of Silicon Valley, as we all did. But when I found out they were defeated at the Battle of Gaudalete for being pussies and refusing to employ slave labor on the front line, I realized the only way to sell magical and revolutionary consumer electronics at unbelievable prices was to be even more ruthless. If Apple is going to have any kind of future, we need slave labor and we need it now. Obviously, we also need to occasionally eat small children, kittens, and the like. Are you gonna man up or do I need to fire you before the elevator reaches your floor?"

I liked my job at the time, all things considered, so I "manned up" and shared his lunch. But in retrospect, something about that exchange always struck me as… I don’t know, not quite right, and I fear a harbinger for what Apple may have become. I mean, why couldn’t we just be Visigoths? Isn’t that enough?

Anyways, of course I no longer work at Apple and have since moved on to developing apps that make body parts wobble. But I just wanted to share my story.

Thank you for allowing me to share.