Intel already announced their new Core i7, i5, and i3 processors earlier today, but CEO Paul Otellini may still have a surprise or two in store for his keynote. We're here updating live, just in case.

Paul's walking us through a little bit of Intel history, and how rapidly and consistently processor technology has evolved. Every two years, Intel schedules a breakthrough. Today, they're shipping the first 32nm microprocessors (announced this morning), which are 5,000 times faster than Intel's first ever processor.

Today, he's going to talk about how personal computing is evolving. But first! Some forced humor in the form of what's bound to be a series of videos depicting two people in the future because of suits Otellini gave them and oh why bother. Good to see Park and Recreation's Aziz Ansari, though!

We're using the production of Shrek movies as a benchmark of how far we've come. Shrek Forever After is going to take nine times the hours to produce as the original Shrek. In fairness, most of that was trying to get Eddie Murphy out of his trailer, amIright?

We've reached the obligatory 3D portion of the keynote. We've got the standard Avatar clip, part of a U2 concert with Bono's hand reacing uncomfortably close to your face, and a few sports shots. Looks good!

Because explaining things always makes them more fun, someone named David is giving us a 3D tutorial. We're looking at a 3D home video shot of a bunch of kids dancing around,and using a program called First Light 3D to add titles to it, change the contrast, and so on. These things require processing power! Which comes courtesy of Intel, duh.

One last 3D treat: a trailer for an upcoming DreamWorks release called How To Train Your Dragon.

It's not just about content, says Paul. We also need a way to share that content, not just through broadband but within the home. USB 3.0 is coming, and Intel's also working on another technology called Light Peak that lets you download an entire Blu-ray movie in under 30 seconds. Otellini says it'll come in early 2010, but it's more likely to be about a year from now.

Intel has a new Wireless Display technology that's launching with four partners. The WiDi will available soon at Best Buy. With a $100 adapter, you can link your TV to your laptop.

Now talking about TurboBoost, which we knew about. The flagship Core i5 has already been clocked at over 7GHz, which is crazy fast.

Craig (NOT Barrett) from Intel is going to show us a "Futuristic Digital Crib." Intel is so down with the jive lingo! If the phrase "this is where the magic happens" isn't said, I'm leaving disappointed. UPDATE: Craig did say "bros." I am content.

He's showing off a TV interface called Orange running on a French ISP called Orange that shows what's on a dozen channels all at once. Seems unweildy. But you can also sort by genre to narrow your choices down. It also keeps content in the cloud, so if you miss a game or show you wanted to watch, it'll go "back in time" and snatch it up for you. It's not unique, but it's what On Demand is eventually going to evolve into.

Now showing off WiDi, with a Netflix movie loaded onto a laptop playing simultaneously the TV it's connected to.

This is nice: a device that lets you know the energy usage of ever gadget in your house, and even shows recommendations on how to reduce consumption through usage patterns or more efficient products.

After a quick break for another inexplicable time traveler sketch, on to mobile. Talking about Atom now, and how it enabled netbooks (which... thanks, I guess?). New, more efficient model. This is the N450, which we've known about for a while and which isn't that much of an improvement.

The AppUp Center is an App store for netbooks that works on Windows and Linux. Someone named Paul (NOT Otellini) is going to walk us through it; it's basically a place to get apps for your netbooks. Pretty self-explanatory. You can see the beta now at http://www.intelappup.com.

Looking forward, they want the AppUp Center to move beyond just netbooks and into all Intel devices.

Smartphones now. Moorestown is the next generation of processor that we can expect in smartphones. It will enable applications like multipoint video conferencing. We're now looking at an LG multitouch smartphone that will be coming out on the second half of this year, running on Moblin. It's playing a 720p movie trailer for Avatar (again!), and you can keep the movie playing while also having your calendar open. Pretty great.

Open Peak is Moorestown on a handset phone. You can undock the LCD display to be a separate touchscreen tablet loaded with apps.

A smart retail display is being demonstrated now that identifies your height and weight and makes recommendations to you accordingly. The touchcreen gives you store and product navigation options, and will even send a coupon to your phone. Paul Otellini looks uncomfortable at the prospect of buying a skinny tie, even in a demo. Me too, Paul.

More Shrek tie-ins: the Magic Mirror has been brought on stage. Of course, it's now interacting with the time traveling comic relief. The upshot: they weren't traveling to the future after all, guys. Intel Labs IS the future. I don't know what just happened, but I do know that it was awkward.

And we're out! Thanks for playing along everybody.