Its been 26 years since The Fast Show first aired. Originally running from 1994-97, the frantic sketch shows sex-mad car showman and innuendo-crazed tailors perhaps wouldnt find their way on to TV today. But that hasnt stopped Charlie Higson, Paul Whitehouse, Simon Day, Arabella Weir, John Thomson and Mark Williams reuniting for a one-year-late silver anniversary special packed full of unacceptable 90s humour. We caught up with the shows best-loved characters to see how they are coping with the modern world.

Hi, Swiss. In what ways is turning 26 very much like making love to a beautiful woman?For me, turning 26 was very much like making love to a beautiful woman because I spent the day making love to a beautiful woman. In fact, as it was my birthday, I made love to three women and what turned out to be a goat with a hat on.

Following #MeToo, is it still politically correct to lure women with the promise of fine wines, Belgian chocolates and the manly smell of a pipe?Whats the alternative? A face mask, some compostable carrier bags and a scented candle? Anyway, I object to the term lure, I prefer court. Courtship is a dying art. These days its just swipe left, swipe right, bullseye!

In what ways is travelling by public transport while adhering to strict social distancing guidelines during a worldwide pandemic very much like making love to a beautiful woman?I have absolutely no idea. I have never used public transport. I am a driver and always will be. To get me on to a bus they will have to prise the steering wheel out of my cold dead hands. But I have seen people using a bus on the television. It looks fairly straightforward, even if youre sticking to the government guidelines. In fact, Id go so far as to say its very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First, consider entering via the lesser-used rear entrance. The front entrance generally sees more traffic and can be a honey trap for germs. On entry, remember to smile with your eyes, it doesnt matter what youre really thinking because they wont be able to see you behind your mask. Then simply enjoy the ride. When you get off, wash your hands and sanitise your PPE your personal pipe end.

The Euros, the Olympics and Wimbledon are all off! How are you coping, Ron?Oh, isnt it, the football? Hmm? Association soccer the soccer experience? The piped-in chants of racial abuse, the empty stadia (notice how I used the correct term for the plural of stadium there?), sad, isnt it? If a defender is nutmegged in a forest with no crowd to cheer, does it make any sound? Or something. But we will fight this virus, we are British after all, and unlike every other country in the world we wont give in. We shall fight them on the beaches. Although I dont think Churchill meant we should fight each other on the beaches like our lads are doing in Wales and Bournemouth kicking each other up their ba (notice how I used the correct term for the plural of bum there?).

Oh, yes. This pandemic. Pandemonium isnt it? Wasnt it? Like the shadow of Hitlers jackboot stamping its way across Europe. That was the last time the football was cancelled. Small boys, on the beach, oil-covered, rotting seagulls for goal posts. Isnt it? Wasnt it? And, quite frankly, I dont give a toss about the tennis.

Have you ever had an infectious disease?COVID! Aaaaaaargh! Ive had almost every disease known to mankind . I believe it was either in Rio de Janeiro, or Dar Es Salaam, or was it Kettering? Anyway, I had running sores all the way up my inner thigh and up the back of my head . Extremely high temperature the highest ever recorded for a human being . I remember the beautiful painted floorboards third in line to the throne I was looked after by a beautiful Mayan woman. Interesting people, the Mayans did you know they played the earliest team sport in the world?! With a brain not allowed to use their head, hands or feet! Offside ref I got sicker and sicker and sicker and sicker and sicker and sicker and sicker and I Brexited all over the carpet . I was quarantined for rabies, Ebola, Lassa fever and the foxtrot. Tintin Quarantino. And the upshot was to this day I still cant. . Is that all right? My grandchildren tell me I need to keep up with the modern world and use emojis. They did show me how, but Im afraid I was very, very drunk.

So, Dave, how are you coping with the virus?We must track and trace. If you are showing signs of Covid get home and get the snooker on the time will fly by. For me, putting on a mask took me right back to a sub-post office in Wicklow in Essex. Happy days, nobody got hurt and the insurance paid out.

Has lockdown has been good or bad for the planet?There has sadly been a massive increase in single-use plastic, which is pointless and dangerous for the old globe. The turtles have been strangled just so you can have a tiny bottle of fake spring water sourced from a sewage works in Dagenham. And now we are being stung by jellyfish. Get down the cash and carry and get a barrel of water. Better still, drink TAP WATER! The planet enjoyed a break cos of Covid but we need a permanent one. Lets go back to nudity and bartering seriously.

How has your tailors shop coped in the lockdown crisis?Kenneth: Lockdown? Ooh, suit you, sir. Locked right down sir. In a dungeon Ooooh. Our shop has reopened, but it has all changed. You have to wear a mask.

Ken: Do you wear a mask, sir? Do you? Does it add a little spice to your life?

Kenneth: Ooh. Do you get your wife to wear a mask and pretend shes someone else, sir one of the Kardashians, perhaps, or even Kanye West? Were all fluid in this modern world, arent we, sir, or madam, or non-binary person Im not fussy. I like all 227 genders. You can use whatever pronoun you like with me. Ooh, suit you.

People have been buying fewer clothes in lockdown. Isnt fashion bad for the planet anyway?Ken: Well, body shapes change sir. And we need to accommodate that. Now the large booty is in fashion.

Kenneth: Do you like the large booty, sir? Straining at the Lycra, showing every contour known to mankind, like a 3D map of Jupiters moons. Ooh, suit you! Sorry, what was the question again?

Arent the royal family brilliant? They only have four different names, Edward, George, Henry and George again. Oh yeah, and Charles, but hell never be king, not as long as Olivia Colmans on the throne. The amazing thing about the British royal family is that theyre not really British at all. First they were Normans, which were a sort of French with funny helmets, then they were Scottish, then they were Dutch, then they were Germans and then they became British, just in time for world war two. Which was handy, cos it might have got confusing and wed have been at war with ourselves. And I think theyre probably still a bit confused, which was why Harry dressed up with all swastikas and that. Anyway, shes forgiven him, Meghan Sparkle, and now they live in Los Angeles, which is in Hollywood. Arent films brilliant? Except the ones that arent, which is most of em Int Prince Philip fantastic? Hes 325 year old and hes not dead yet, bout the same age as Dracula although some people reckon Prince Philip died years ago and was replaced by a robot or an alien or something. Id like to be replaced by an alien. Arent aliens fantastic? Nothing ever happens round here. Specially since lockdown. Except when we go to illegal raves in the park, take hippy crack and fight each other. Int hippy crack brilliant? Its like a drug you can also use to whip cream. Brilliaaaaant!

The Fast Show: Just a Load of Blooming Catchphrases is on Gold on 29 August. Words 2020 Charlie Higson, Paul Whitehouse, Simon Day.

Link:

'Lockdown? Suit you, sir!' The Fast Show characters on the Covid era - The Guardian