I didnt want to write yet another column about my ongoing belief that computers are going to take us over like I learned from movies like The Terminator, The Matrix and Throw Momma From the Train, but please keep in mind that the machines were the ones forcing my hand (well, both hands since I type) to write about just that.

Their latest attempt is to take away our thoughts.

Okay, maybe I presented my conclusion too soon, so let me reel that back before the nice young men in their clean, white coats come to take me away.

I guess it all started with the auto-correct feature that exists on various word processor programs, search engines and cellphones.

You start typing a word or even a sentence, and the computer tries to figure out what word youre typing like its a constant guessing game that only the computer is playing.

Id love to try some of your a[arsenic?] ap[apes?] app[appendages?] appl[appliances?] apple[apples? Its apples. We knew it all along!].

Like most people who are lazy, I welcomed the computer-generated suggestions as it kept me from extra typing, saving me time to reflect on what I wrote and even more time to realize what I wrote makes me sound even more like a drooling dunce.

However, I then noticed my email starting to act fun[funky, right?] no! funny.

It seems email programs are adding new help features every other week, starting with suggested replies at the push of a button.

If you dont know what I mean, the next time you reply to an email or a text message, youll see there may be a few choices displayed around where your text is to appear. If you click on one of the choices, that will be your answer, saving you from typing it.

The problem I found with that is whenever someone who knows me sends me a message, theyre not expecting me to respond with the generic, lame answers the program provides. Normally, I reply with a snarky comment or a statement of self-flattery. I know, right? Thats surprisingly humble of me.

For example, if someone texts me a dirty joke, chances are Im not going to reply with LOL or I enjoy your humorous anecdote or My sympathies to the nun who walks into a bar.

It goes without saying theres no good computer-generated option to fit ones personality unless you are a cyborg, but it goes with saying that the computers provided replies cant fit into 92% of conversations.

To better illustrate, I conducted an experiment where I sent messages to myself and tried to answer with all the answers provided.

MARK ONE: Can you sit on a cactus for me, please?

MARK TWO: Of Course! You bet! What kind?

MARK ONE: Lets go with the Jumping Cholla cactus The barbs are hollow and when they make contact with the moisture of someones skin, they actually curve and lock into place underneath the top layer of epidermis. Its really painful.

MARK TWO: Sounds good. Sounds good to me. Perfect!

MARK ONE: So, how did it feel sitting on that cactus?

MARK TWO: Pretty good. It was fine. Not bad.

It says in the Bible that laziness brings on a deep sleep...unless you have curved cactus barbs in your rump because you were too lazy to type a negative response to your psychotic friend.

The whole thing even jumped to social media where, the other day, I was responding to a post informing me that mean people suck with an emoji of a devil face sticking out its tongue because I happen to be mean and take delight in mocking such posts.

However, when I went to reply, a row of emoji faces popped up and what did I see? A hand expressing thumbs up, balloon letters spelling out You Go, Girl!, a frowny face, a crying face and a unicorn farting a rainbow.

The computers didnt even give us time to get comfortable with them telling us how to speak and think and moved on to tell us how to feel!

Thats why we have to fight these software programs with sarcastic cleverness at every turn and not settle for their easy answers as our thoughts and our feelings are at stake!

If we dont, then we will regret no[nothing, because Im just kidding. LOL! Thank you! Sounds great! Have a nice day! You, too!]

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, Good Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One...and Dying, Too and Stupid Brain, are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the Locally Yours radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.

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According to Hofmann: Sage against the machine | According To Hofmann - Uniontown Herald Standard