Silver colored toaster with single slice of toast.

We're living in unprecedented times. Sure, there's a pandemic changing the world and retail shopping as we know it, but there are people making toast in their air fryers. Listen, air fryers are great and all, but leave the toasting to the toasters.

So what do we look for in a toaster? A fancy touchscreen? The ability to cook hot dogs? How about a combination toaster oven that bakes and toasts; or toasts, broils and bakes; or toasts, bakes, broils and is also an air fryer? How do you choose the best toaster for your kitchen?

When we think of a toaster we generally take the device itself for granted. A toaster is simply a device that turns electricity into heat to lightly burn the bread product that has been placed inside (or against the coils, as it was with the first toasters). It's not a complex process. Considering how old toaster technology is, thinking retro is completely aesthetic. Like this retro toaster that has a 50s look.

If you want something a bit more mid-century modern, then this group of toasters is your butter. While we cannot escape the crushing doom of time continuously moving forward, ignoring our minuscule and meaningless interactions, we can at least control the appearance of the devices we use to pass that time with bread products.

"It takes me back to a time when toast was really toast," said someone who likes retro toasters.

There are a lot of toasters that claim to be able to toast bagels, but those toasters are liars. If bagels are your main source of toasted carbs, then you are going to want to get an actual bagel toaster with extra wide slots and a croissant heating rack. This toaster says perception is a hot, buttered croissant.

The argument against wide slot toasters is that they are not as effective with slim white bread, but isn't the basic nature of your interaction with the passage of time just a metaphor for choosing what kind of bread to eat? The thickness of bagels speak to your inherent need to fill your time with as many new experiences as possible, while basic bread represents the monotony of life; a repeating cycle of mundane activities that separate us only slightly from ants because sometimes we wear hats.

"The only good bagel is an everything bagel", said my uncle at oneg between mouthfuls of white fish.

If you need more than just toast, then clearly you have risen to a plane of self awareness that demands multiple sources of stimulation in both the physical and mental realms. A combination toaster and oven might just help you ascend to undiscovered plateaus of existence with some crispy leftover chicky nugs.

There are some extremely complex toaster ovens out there, let's call them the quantum mechanics of toasters. There is a relatable confusion to all the buttons, settings and dials but like overall quantum physics, they are still relatable. But they aren't very easy to clean.

Which is why you should look for a toaster with a roll-top door. These toasters, unlike your never-ending struggle with the mental clutter that permeates your waking hours, are easy to clean. The roll-top prevents crumbs from getting stuck in between the door and the toaster, but like everything in existence, they are still touching in some sense. There are no spaces between the spaces. It's all connected. But with a roll-top, it's so much easier to clean the spaces that don't exist.

"It's really hard to cook leftover pizza in a regular toaster," said a guy hanging out at the vape shop.

We wake up every day, only slightly aware that it's a different day from the day before it, but a new day begins every moment, even in the fractional moments between the moments that we can just barely perceive thanks to the light from our sun and the whittling chucks falling from whatever we can grasp as our souls. Simplicity is often the best option.

You want toast? Get a basic toaster. It toasts, costs less than a fancy latte with whipped cream and an eye-rolling tip in the change jar and performs the primary function of a toaster it toasts bread.

Isn't that all we really want in life? To find our bread, in whatever form, and toast it when desired? To change the physical properties of something we generally take for granted in order to heighten our mental awareness of it for a myriad of pleasurable effects? That's what toast is. It's our sense of everything changing, while giving us some semblance of control.

Read the rest here:

How To Choose The Best Toaster - Forbes