Image: Elena Scotti (The Root/G-O)

Wed like to welcome you to the fifth annual Wypipo Awards.

After years of whining that the BET Awards, the NAACP Awards and The Root 100 are inherently racist because they are limited to black people, we created these awards. Our founder, Mr. Y.P. Pullwho made his fortune building desalinization plants that take the salt out of white tears and then use them to irrigate kale farmsstarted this annual festival of accolades to honor the fragile and unheralded race of people who barely manage to win the majority of Oscars, Grammys, Emmys, Nobel Prizes and Darwin Awards.

White people hate being left out.

According to them, all exclusively black events are racist. They forget why HBCUs, black Greek-letter organizations and cookouts were invented in the first placebecause white people excluded us. But, in an effort to appease our unsalted brethren and sisters, we impaneled a group of experts on white people that includes:

Instead of focusing on 2019, this years awards will honor the best and whitest from 2010-2019. And no, this is not racist...

Were rooting for everybody white.

Here are the nominees and winners:

White men are now alleging that they are being oppressed because they are white men, even alleging that straight white male has become this centurys n-word. I know it sounds stupid but I refuse to disparage this downtrodden group until I walk a mile in their boat shoes. I humbly offer myself as a victim of the system that allows them to control all three branches of the federal government, 95 percent of Fortune 500 companies, media, finance, school funding, and the criminal justice system. No matter what happens during this harrowing experiment...

I promise not to cry.

Reggie Bushs knee, Pepsis All Colas Matter campaign, Tristan Thompsons reputation, Kris Humphries career, Lamar Odoms Viagra and crack cocktail recipe, black designers creations, Kanyes sanity, and the anonymity of Ray Js penis all suffered from the Kardashian curse.

Ive been trying to hook Khloe up with Stephen A. Smiths larynx, to no avail.

OComeon Mahalia Sarafina Laquisha Dolezal is the child of poor black sharecroppers who marched with Martin Luther Vandross during the Civil War movement of the 1960s. After attending a predominately white college, NBecca began a career in activism by simply declaring she was black, which is the greatest white woman move of all time. Like Angela Davis, Assata Shakur and other black women who fought the system, Dolezal was unjustly jailed for tax fraud.

As she famously said: I freed a thousand slaves. I couldve freed a thousand more if only I had known white people werent slaves.

*Unless, of course, your wife and kids have completed middle school, in which case, youre fine.

Attorney General Bill Barr heads the Department of Justice, despite displaying a clear disdain for justice. And departments. Barr has subverted any and all attempts at holding Trump responsible for breaking the law, just as he did during his previous cabinet position as Master of Whisperers in the Targaryen administration.

This was a great decade for white women. They helped elect a president and then helped stage the largest demonstration in history to protest that election. They criticized Beyoncfor her blackness and not cleaning up behind them but praised Nazi mascot Taylor Swift for saving democracy.

They fought against vaccinations, illegal cookouts and black people lingering in coffee shops. They advocated for their own safety while simultaneously siccing the cops on black people. They yelled the n-word at children and adults alike.

White women have always been the second biggest threat to freedom and equality. If they werent so complicit in upholding the institutions of white supremacy, we could easily dismantle it.

After eight years of an intelligent, scandal-free, capable president who spoke in complete sentences and knew how weather maps work, white people decided that they wanted another person of color in the White House, so they elected the first tangerine president.

But it wasnt just the election that wins, its that white people were genuinely shocked when Donald Trump banned Muslims, kicked out immigrants, spewed hate and ripped the Constitution to shreds after he campaigned on a platform of banning Muslims, kicking out immigrants, hate and ripping the Constitution to shreds

There are no available statistics on whether white people are starting to call the police more often or if they are just caught on camera more frequently. Anecdotal evidence suggests that this was the best year for police calls since the telegraph became popular in the 1830s and police departments across America started receiving morse code text messages about runaway slaves.

Here is every conversation from a black conservative:

The Democratic party has black people fooled and keeps you on the plantation waiting for handouts while your black leaders profit from race-baiting and aborting your babies, unlike white Republicans who race-bait and give handouts to corporations. If only black people would pull up their pants, stop using the n-word, educate themselves and pull themselves up by the bootstraps I bought when I was not listening to rap music and spending my money on Jordans, they could succeed just like the mediocre white boys who listen to rap, bought their way into college and pulled themselves up by their great grandparents bootstraps.

These people arent thinking for themselves. Theyre just infected with so much internalized self-loathing that they believe white people really know whats best for black people and every black person in the world is too dumb to comprehend our needs.

The problem with free thinkers is that, for them, free means white.

Remember when they used to get stitches? This dumpster fire of a presidential administration now has everyone cheering for whistleblowers, anonymous Trump administration officials, wiretaps, porn stars who kiss and tell, Special Counsel investigators, the former head of the FBI, Trumps co-conspirator Michael Cohen and secretly recorded phone calls.

We still dont fuck with Omarosa, though.

The party of Lincoln is now the party of corporate greed, xenophobia, homophobia, inequality and white supremacy.

The vast majority of Asian Americans, Hispanics and black people lean toward the Democratic Party. Tim Scott (R-S.C.) is the only black Republican in the Senate, and Will Hurd, the only black Republican in the House of Representatives announced that he will not seek re-election.

GOP members remain silent on hate crimes, gun violence, income inequality, right-wing extremism, global warming, emoluments and foreign interference in our elections. They have chosen the side of corruption, voter suppression, greed, corporations, pollution and the slow dismantling of the Constitution. They dont give a damn what anyone does to America...

Until someone kneels during the national anthem.

That just burns their Nikes.

Was there even a question?

As I said before:

Like this country, Donald Trump is a mirage. His greatness is a figment of a collective white imagination that envisions a bright, shining star where there is only a dumpster fire.

He is a first-rate con artist. He is a counterfeit, autocratic dullard impersonating a commander in chief. He is every white foot that has ever been placed on a black neck. He is hate personified and incompetence exemplified. He is the imbecilic farce of a white man convinced of his own supremacy.

Yet, he remains.

Like racial resentment. Like the electoral college. Like the two-party system. Like the 53 percent. Like white supremacy and black oppression. Like hate. Like injustice. Like apathy. Like rage. Like us.

Like the masses unrelenting adoration for this beloved, blessed, once-great thing called America.

See the rest here:

The 2019 Wypipo Awards: End of the Decade Edition - The Root