We've all been rejected at one point or another whether it be from a new love interest, a job you applied to, or a group of friends. Whichever kind of rejection you're facing, the fact of the matter is that rejection hurts and when you put it out all on the line only to get a heartbreaking "no," it's enough to make anyone want to stop trying to put themselves out there for anything.
When you let rejection hold you back like this, though, it can wreak havoc on all aspects of your personal life. In fact, according to Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Bouncing Back from Rejection: Build the Resilience You Need to Get Back Up When Life Knocks You Down, dealing with rejection in unhealthy ways can not only negatively impact your personal relationships, but can even lead to debilitating conditions such as depression and anxiety.
Fortunately, though, there are ways you can deal with rejection that can help you come out of it stronger. Getting rejected doesn't have to be the end-all be-all, and the experience can actually help you in the long run to become more resilient in your life. So if you're wondering how to deal with rejection from friends, family, coworkers, or a crush, here are some of the best psychologist-approved tips and techniques to help you bounce back from the experience:
Before you learn how to deal with rejection in dating, at work, or in your home life, the first thing to remember is that there's a reason rejection stings so much and it's not because you're weak or too sensitive. In fact, there's an evolutionary reason why we desperately need other people to accept us: According to Lori Gottlieb, M.F.T., psychotherapist and author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, our need for connection traces way back to ancient history, when humans relied on being in groups to survive. "When somebody rejects us, there's a very primal piece to it, which is that it goes against everything we feel like we need for survival," Gottlieb explains.
Beyond an evolutionary standpoint, our response to rejection also depends on something called our attachment styles, or the models in which we develop our relationships with other people. People who interact with their caregivers in a healthy way as infants, Becker-Phelps says, usually develop a secure attachment style in which they view themselves as being worthy and lovable but those with insecure attachment styles come to generally view themselves as unlovable, unworthy, and inadequate. It's no wonder, then, that some of us have a harder time getting through rejection as Becker-Phelps explains, our need of connection is wired into us right from birth!
"In the immediate aftermath of a rejection, we're not really in that space to think about it because we're in so much pain," says Gottlieb. Anger and hurt will probably be your immediate reactions after a rejection, but contrary to popular belief, releasing your anger (for example, screaming or hitting a punching bag) doesn't help bring the negative emotion down in fact, it's likely to even increase it.
In these moments, Becker-Phelps says that self-care is truly important: Activities like exercising and going for a run, doing yoga or meditating are great ways to get in a balanced place, so you think more clearly about the situation instead of getting into the rut of emotional thinking. And if those activities aren't really your thing, try engaging in anything that makes you feel good and helps you calm down whether it's baking, taking a bath, or listening to music.
After you've taken some time to calm down and get grounded, it's important to pay attention to what you're feeling and a great way to do this is write it all down in a journal. One exercise you can do, says Becker-Phelps, is to write down all the emotions you're feeling and then pair them with the thoughts that are going with those emotions. "Just by doing that, you're getting some distance, and then you can cope with the rejection better, because you're not just all tangled up in it," she says.
And whenever you are paying attention to your emotions, remember that it's never helpful to feel like you shouldn't feel a certain way. "Your emotions are never right or wrong, they just are," notes Becker-Phelps.
Andrii Lutsyk/ Ascent XmediaGetty Images
Beyond simply acknowledging your emotions, try writing down some things that are positive about yourself in other words, come up with a list of some of your strengths and values, and start your morning off each day by reading them out loud to yourself. "This doesn't mean just talking yourself up, but thinking about what makes you, you," explains Becker-Phelps. By helping you hold onto the things that are a part of you, these self-affirmations will help you feel stronger just by recognizing who you really are and how you identify yourself, especially in the face of self-doubt that often comes with rejection.
When you're faced with a rejection of any type, one of the most important things is to remember that there's more to life than the one rejection from that one person or thing and that there are plenty of other people who are on your side. To remind yourself that you haven't been completely shunned by the world, spend some quality time with friends and family, and make sure that you're still feeling truly connected with other people around you. If you're trying to figure out how to deal with rejection from a crush, for instance, you might want to turn to your friends for moral support and some quality BFF time.
"Connection is so important because it reminds us of all the things that we can't remember in that moment: It reminds us of how lovable we are...that people care about us...that we're worthy," Gottlieb says.
Even if you can't actually spend time with a loved one at the moment, try taking some time to just think of someone who's important in your life. In fact, you can even find a picture of them preferably a photo of you two enjoying your time together and set some time to look at it each day while reminding yourself that this person supports you.
"Sometimes by repeating that and seeing the pictures, you start to take it inside and then you kind of carry it in your heart more strongly," says Becker-Phelps. "So when a difficult situation comes up and you feel rejected, you can go back to the image of that person even just in your mind and feel comforted by them because you've been practicing feeling comforted."
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We tend to beat ourselves up over the things that might have led us to be rejected, but this habit inevitably causes us to feel worse. "The first thing a lot of people do when they get rejected is to be unkind to themselves, and they start coming up with all kinds of ideas about what's wrong with them," Gottlieb notes.
Instead of constantly thinking about what might have gone wrong and dwelling on these negative emotions (a process called rumination), Gottlieb recommends looking at the situation more objectively and asking yourself if there's anything you can learn from the experience and doing so with compassion towards yourself.
Whether you're trying to figure out how to deal with rejection from family or from coworkers, sometimes it's just everyday things in your home or work life that might influence how you respond to rejection maybe you didn't get enough sleep, or haven't been eating well lately. These things can definitely make it harder to handle rejection in a healthy way so one thing you can do to cope better is to work on leading a healthy lifestyle. That means eating well, exercising frequently, and staying hydrated, all of which can help you stay strong in the face of rejection. "The healthier your lifestyle, the more resources you have then to deal with difficult situations," notes Becker-Phelps.
If there's one important skill to learn from rejection, it's that you should never let it stop you from your future endeavors getting rejected is just an inevitable part of life, after all, and e
very single successful person has experienced it at one time or another (yes, even people like Oprah Winfrey and J.K. Rowling!).
So the next time you're turned down for a date or don't get that job you applied to, remind yourself that rejection happens to everyone and instead of allowing yourself to be devastated and beat down, ask yourself what you can do going forward. Says Gottlieb: "The most important thing is to not sit in the rejection, but to say, is there anything I can learn from this experience? And then what can I do moving forward? Where can I go?"
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