Advice

Husband needs flashing arrow to keep towel off bed

My otherwise wonderful husband always leaves his wet towel on the bed (on my side!). Ive asked him to stop doing this countless times, but I dont think hes being passive-aggressive or anything. I think he just spaces out after showering. How can I get him to remember?

Soggy

Its good for a man to have goals, though ideally not one that involves growing a fern out of your comforter.

As you appear to understand, the problem isnt ill will; its I, Robot. The first time your husband wondered Where do I put this wet towel? perhaps at age 10 his brain said, Easy peasy just drop it right there on the bed. Sadly, it seems his superhero bedspread didnt pipe up: Supermans got a ton to do today, and flying your wet towel over to the hamper is not on his agenda.

Our brain is an efficiency expert. Figuring things out the first time around (a la what should I do with this towel?) takes a bunch of energy. But, as neuroscientist Donald Hebb pointed out (in somewhat more neuroscientific terms), as you do an action over and over, your brain goes, Oh, that again. The trigger for the action in this case, approaching the bed (while in a towel, ready to get dressed) becomes automatic. Automatic means theres no stopping to muse, Wait! I have a wife now, and shes threatening to Saran Wrap the bed. Theres only the old familiar launch code: Bed! cueing Drop wet towel here!

This automation thing with thinking removed from the equation is the reason nagging or even asking nicely before or after the fact is so often useless in changing behavior. You need to break in to the automatic sequenceas its in progress when he gets to the bed kind of like an air traffic controller coming in over the planes intercom: Attention Southwest two-two-niner

Interrupting the trigger sequence allows you to send a yoo-hoo to areas of his prefrontal cortex, the brains department of rational thought asking them to kindly wake the hell up and take over from the basal ganglia and other parts of the brains department of automation.

No, Im not suggesting you stand guard by the bed like one of those decorative architectural lions, waiting for wet towel time. And hiring one of those street-corner sign spinners would probably be both impractical and a little creepy.

To grab your husbands attention in a positive way, I suggest collecting cartoons (like one of my faves, Bizarro, by Dan Piraro) and leaving one marked Towel alert! xo on the area of the bed he turns into terrycloth swampland. (Pair it with a battery-operated flashing light if he ends up dropping his towel on top of it.) The cartoon should break him out of his auto-daze, reminding him to return the wet towel to its ancestral home, Ye Olde Towel Rack. (If there is something missing for the two of you in bed, it probably isnt mildew.)

Fame Fatale

Im a novelist whos suddenly getting successful (after 20 years of crappy jobs and rejected manuscripts). Every day, several people make this annoying and rather insulting comment to me: Dont forget about me when youre famous! This got me wondering: What keeps some people grounded while others let success go to their head?

Published

Of course youll stay in touch with your old friends. Youll have your assistant call them to see whether theyd like to come over and clean out your rain gutters.

The quality that keeps success from turning you into, well, Kanye East, is humility. People confuse humility being humble with being humiliated. However, humility is basically a healthy awareness of your limitations what social psychologist and humility researcher Pelin Kesebir describes as a down-to-earth perspective of yourself in relation to all other beings.

Thats something youre more likely to have when you make it at 40 after 20 years of working crappy jobs, driving a car held together with duct tape and hope, and selling your blood to buy a tuna melt. Contrast that with hitting it big at 17: Bro, I was just on my hoverboard at the mall, and some dude handed me a recording contract!

The cool thing is, social psychologist Elliott Kruse and his colleagues find that you can bolster humility by expressing gratitude appreciation for how another person has helped you. Expressing gratitude both inhibits internal focus and promotes external focus focus on others. This sort of wider view may help you keep any fame you get in perspective. After all, theres a way to live on in the hearts and minds of many, even after you die, and its by creating brilliant, spirit-moving art or by being a chinchilla videotaped while eating a Dorito.

(c)2017, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon. Order Amy Alkons book, Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say The F-Word (St. Martins Press, June 3, 2014) at amazon.com.

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Automation To Blame - The Free Weekly