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The maddening paradox of child care in this country is that day care and nannies are really expensivecosting at least more than in-state college tuitionand that child-care workers are generally poor. The domestic work industry is largely unregulated, and workers are vulnerable to exploitation, a direct consequence of domestic works roots in slavery.

Ilana Berger, the director of Hand in Hand, the domestic employer network, says In the 1930s ... both domestic workers and farm workers were mostly black. So [in a nod to the Southern Congressional Delegation], they were left out of the Fair Labor Standards Act. Fast forward to today, so much exploitation happens because workers have been left out of protections, because its this shadow work force. Even when there are laws on the books, theres not a lot of enforcement.

Which means that choosing and hiring a nanny is a process more fraught with ethical considerations than, say, choosing a pediatrician or an electrician.

Besides how to find a good babysitter, one of the top questions for hiring a babysitter is how much

First, the biggest question: Is it ethical to to even participate in such an unjust system, especially if a potential employee is undocumented? Setting aside, for the moment, the question of what middle-class families would do if the answer were no, is it ethical to enter into a professional relationship when the power differential is so great?

Yes, says Randy Cohen, the host of the Person Place Thing podcast and the former author of the Ethicist column at the New York Times. There is generally a huge power differential in all employer-employee relationships ... [Particularly for undocumented workers,] its a difference of degree, not a difference in kind. And people need jobs.

Berger affirms this sentiment: The way domestic work is set up (and in most work) the employer really has all the power. Legal status is just one additional degree of vulnerability, but its pretty much on a continuum.

To better understand the responsibilities of a nannys employer, I asked Berger to break down the duties of an ethical employer. Hand in Hand advocates the fair-care pledge, a three-pronged strategy for hiring of domestic workers: fair pay, clear expectations, and paid time off.

This means, in major metropolitan areas, at least $15 an hour, according to Berger. A good thought experiment is to multiply the hourly wage by 40 and ask yourself, Can someone live on this in my area? She recommends using this living wage calculator to get an idea of a reasonable wage for an adult in your area.

When I tell her a lot of the middle-class families I know in New York say they cant afford to pay, say $20 an hour, she says, There are other optionsyou can do a nanny share, you can find a way to make it work. And skimping on the person taking care of your children is not a wise choice for your child, as well as ethically, morally, and in every other way.

In general, we want our kids to be better people than we are. We insist they eat their vegetables

And if you can pay on the books, you should: Its better for everybody. Its better for the employer, and its better for the worker because it buys them into the systemthey get social security and other benefits. Now obviously undocumented workers might not want to be paid on the books (Berger cites a workaround for the undocumentedan individual tax identification numberbut notes that workers might not be willing start that process, particularly at this political point in time). She says, In general, we say you should do what works best for you and the worker. If you need to pay on the books, you should make that clear at the start of the process.

Finally, pay on time. Dont make a worker wait for her check at the end of the week.

This is where you should be drawing up a contract that lays out duties, hours (including breaks), pay, sick leave, and vacation days. You should also include things like emergency plans, rules about guests, expectations around screen time and meals, expectations around caring for sick kids, housekeeping (like childrens laundry or dishes), reading to kids, petty cash, termination, etc. Need a sample contract? Start here.

The work agreement should be re-evaluated regularly, at least every six months. Did you think youd be home by 6 but its really more like 6:15? She needs to be paid for that extra timeor this is her opportunity to say that she needs you to be home at 6. People have a really hard grasping the fact that nannies have families too, and they might need to get somewhere to pick up their kids, says Berger.

I knew even before I had a daughter that I was going to raise her to laugh in the face of sexist

Would be it be helpful if she starts dinner on Wednesday nights? That can be built into the check-in. Does she need a break mid-day and isnt getting it because the kid dropped his nap? Perhaps the check-in relaxes some screen-time rules. Its a pressure release, says Berger. Ongoing proactive communication is really beneficial for everyone involved.

Vacation is usually decided in conjunction with the familyIve heard of some families offering vacation days when they take their own holidays, plus additional paid time off to be taken at the employees discretion. Berger notes that a common type of question among employers is We got these last-minute tickets to Costa Rica! Do we still need to pay the nanny?

Berger says Employers often says things like Shes like family! but its also an employment relationship. The Golden Rule applies: How would you want to be treated in your own workplace? When your boss goes away, expectations change, but you still get paid.

Need more information? Take a look at the employers checklist. (And as for whether you need to pay the nanny when you take an impromptu trip to Costa Rica, the answer is yes.)

After talking to Berger, I looked up the living wage calculator for where I live now, in Brooklyn, and where I grew up, in West Virginia. A single adult raising two kids in Brooklyn would have to make $37.49 an hour to make ends meet. In West Virginia, it would be $28.20. Now this wage would be impossible for most middle-class families to pay to a caregiver, and it doesnt even touch the problems of extraordinary medical expenses, college savings, or retirement savings. Which means we are, as a culture, trapped in a sick system: one in which middle-class families are stretched thin because of care costs (both child care and elder care) and domestic workers are both exploited and not able to make ends meet.

If you have a son whos the youngest or middle child, youre going to want to watch them like a

Berger is clear that her organizations (and others) guidelines are a stopgap solution to a profound problem. She says, We cant expect individual employers to close the gaping holes in our care infrastructure in this country. So we encourage our people to take part in our campaigns and work to create an affordable care system so the burden is not on individual employers, or workers, to make up for what the government is not providing. People can get involved in the National Domestic Workers Alliance or with the Sanctuary Homes campaign, both of which advocate for domestic workers rights.

Cohen echoes this sentiment: If you believe, as I do, that our current immigration policies and the current status of workers rights are really barbaric, you have an affirmative obligation to do something to address that ... Youre a citizen, and you should be doing something.

Even if, say, youre not a parent, or not hiring a nanny after alleven if youre not participating in the system? Whether you want to or not, youre participating in the system. Theres no way you can exempt yourself from the social trends of the day.

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How to Ethically Hire a Nanny - Lifehacker