It is highly unlikely that my likeness will ever be photo shopped sitting serenely in front of the Bodhi tree. As for living up to my spiritual name, Hari Jiwan Singh, I can barely pronounce it never mind be the kind, creative and prosperous Lion who understands that God is his life, and who walks with grace and courage throughout his life. Im guessing if the GPS could track me on the path to enlightenment it would show me at the toll gates with a long road ahead.

What frustrates me from making more progress toward the goal of walking with grace is the difficulty of letting go of the past. I want to be complete with a number of regretful events that go back decades, but I continue to berate myself for not having done things differently. Im the lead actor in a scenario that points to me as the villain responsible for having hurt the people who were close to me by not protecting them from the travails that came their way as a result of my divorce and career ambitions.

But little by little Im learning to give myself a break and to shift the focus toward regarding the events of the past as lessons learned rather than a shirt made of steel wool that Im condemned to wear forever. Forgiving myself is a process long past due and on occasion, when Im feeling the spirit of Hari Jiwan Singh, it helps to do a form of meditation called Tonglin, a yoga that transforms pain into forgiveness.

I start with visualization, seeing the beauty of who I am and the pain that keeps me out of touch with that inner beauty. I imagine the pain as black smoke that I inhale into my heart and then exhale as the peace and love of my own true nature. As long as I can, I continue to breathe in pain and breathe out happiness. Its a difficult practice. Half the time I choke on the smoke before it gets filtered.

I know its not enough to see the light while the incense is burning and the harmonium is playing. I recognize that what I do in the harsh light of day is the measure that determines if behavior mechanisms ingrained in childhood have truly been altered.

So I remain patient. I know the sad truth about even the best of intentions; lasting change rarely happens in the sudden glow of epiphany. No guru is going to tap my shoulder with a peacock feather and instill me with enlightenment like a frizzy-haired cartoon cat hit by a lightning bolt. Change, the kind of long lasting alteration to behavior that we strive for, is a gradual and often wearisome process.

True learning rarely takes place in a sudden breakthrough. It takes focus and practice to override the conditioned responses ingrained in our childhood experience. The shift comes from identifying what activates us, recognizing the trigger as a reflex reaction, the alarm, so to speak, not the fire. Within that split second of recognition there is opportunity to alter behavior from rote to choice.

It takes determination but like the muscle memory that develops from continued repetition, over time change will occur. The habitual behavior of the past will give way to a new feedback loop connected to your commitment to becoming the person you are determined to be.

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Cheating Death - ChicagoNow (blog)