For more than 6 months now Ive been feeling old. Ive been experiencing this impending feeling of being past my best, looking back at times in my life and remembering that feeling of immortality, when parts of my body didnt ache daily, when anything seemed possible and I felt confident in who I was and where I was going.

Im not sure when or how these feelings have been triggered, it could be due to having a toddler who rarely sleeps and is wide awake at 5am every day without fail.

It could be years of shift work and the pressures of working in the radio industry or it could be coronavirus and the anxiety and loss of freedom its sparked. Im guessing its a mixture of all of these factors and probably a few more things thrown in.

As my 39th birthday loomed I felt a real sense of dread for it, birthdays are no longer what they were when I was in my 20s or early 30s. I feel they are now just a reminder that the clock is ticking, a reminder of the things I havent achieved as yet and a reminder that if I do wish for a third child I really need to get a move on!

Possibilities dont seem endless, freedom doesnt feel so easily accessible and life feels far more fragile than it ever has before.

When I was in my twenties pre-marriage and children my birthdays would last a whole week and would finish with a big night out in Nottingham with about 20 of us dancing until the early hours.

At the time I thought it would always be that way because youth allows us to feel like that, thats one of the beautiful things about being young, you dont think about circumstances changing, you dont sit and ponder what life will be like if and when you fill it with reasonabilities like raising a family, and paying bills.

Before you know it you are there, married with children and balancing the demands of everyone in your unit and yourself. The stresses and tribulations of life creep in as do the grey hairs and planning for the future i.e., writing your will, and before you know it age no longer feels like just a number, it feels a bit like a life sentence that youre counting down to!

We anticipate old age and all its trappings creeping in, because being in the moment, being present and letting go can feel too hard once you get to a certain age and are feeling the weight of other peoples expectations on you like your kids, your partner, the world!

I, of course, had to face my 39th and in all honesty, I had a lovely day with my husband Chris and our kids, simple but memorable for all the right reasons. At one point my husband asked me what I was thinking about and I replied A time when I was young, a little wild (a lot actually but Ill leave that there), when I felt careless and free, and now Im 39 and I feel really ancient and a little like Im in jail.

Now I know this sounds bad when youre reading it but I didnt mean it quite how it came out and yes I know I can be a terrible wife at times!

He looked at me and smiled I met you when I was 39 and thats when my life began

More:
'I'm in jail' - Hot Mess Mums Club host Kelly Pegg on turning 39, coronavirus and how things have changed - Nottinghamshire Live