Does putting the needs of the group first leave the forgiver dissatisfied? What about their emotional needs?

The question is whether emotional forgiveness follows decisional forgiveness in collectivistic people, says Toussaint. Something called cognitive dissonance might interfere. In short, its difficult for people to say one thing and believe another our brains struggle to allow two contradictory thoughts to exist and it creates additional psychological stress. As a result, if we say we believe something, that belief tends to materialise.

To decide you will forgive and then withhold it emotionally for most individuals would be very disconcerting, says Toussaint. Sometimes, especially when acts of forgiveness are made public, they draw us emotionally in line with those commitments.

This reasoning is one reason why vegetarianism and veganism can become an entire life philosophy for some people, and not just a diet. They believe the reasons for their diet are important and it permeates elsewhere such as in the clothes they buy and charities they support. Likewise, for someone who arrives at a cold, calculated reason to forgive, it is likely that the emotional satisfaction will follow suit. Perhaps then, if you want to benefit from being more forgiving, you can start by deciding to forgive even if you are not yet emotionally invested.

How do you say I forgive you?

Language plays an important part in our interpretation of emotions. Its very common for feelings to manifest in different ways depending on the language you speak. The people of Tahiti, for example, have no word for sadness, writes Lisa Feldman Barrett, a neuroscientist at Northeastern University in Boston, Massachusetts, and author of How Emotions Are Made.

When Tahitians are in a situation that a Westerner would describe as sad, they feel ill, troubled, fatigued or unenthusiastic, all of which are covered by their broader term pe'ape'a, which means worries, she writes. Sadness is not one of their worries, instead their language is more specific and sophisticated. So, when a Westerner might say they feel sad, a Tahitian might say they feel physically sick, and due to cognitive dissonance, a physical sensation follows.

See the original post here:
What other cultures can teach us about forgiveness - BBC News