Comedy lynette sheppard

Lisa Hartman generously allowed me to reprint her fabulous, funny essay about the Big M. It reads like she was at our first Menopause Goddess gathering. Enjoy!

Open Letter to Women A Change is Gonna Come by Lisa Hartman

You are not, or were not, prepared. It is likely that your body, without your knowledge or consent, will, or already has begun to, upend your perception of yourself and the universe. It will, or already does, suck.

They prepare you for your drivers test, your SAT. There is a plethora of relationship and sex advice. How to cook, garden, use your computer, parent. Classes and books, whole sections of libraries and bookstores devoted to unraveling the mysteries of life. Why, then, the dearth of guidance and information when it comes to mid-life the change that more than half the population will face? Oh, sure, its out there books, articles, even talk shows will address peri/menopause but the event, rather, the slow unfolding process, is a sneak attack in our youth-obsessed culture. You dont seek information or educate yourself before the fact, when it could help you. No, you seek it at 3 am, in a panic, and devour it in the hope that something, anything, can save you now. No one will prepare you, and on the eve of your commitment, your mother will say, Now that you mention it, it was difficult at times. I do remember crying for days on end. Thanks for the heads up, Ma.

The female body is an amazing piece of work. It has ferried you this far, with its cycles, its ebb and flow. Perhaps it has given you children, the miracle of life, and nourished them. You have nurtured and loved, children or not, and built a life on the foundation of this body. A brilliant machine I get it. But what is all this noise about intelligent design? Really? There is intelligence in these screaming, chaotic hormonal fluctuations? Intelligence in the crippling of my sanity? Sometimes, it seems more like a freshman design project. At a party school.

Here is what will happen:

Your teen daughter will look at you, hand on cocked hip, head in that Girlfriend?! tilt. Eye rolling will increase, as will stomping and slamming. You cant blame her, of course she is having her own design issues at the moment and you are useless.

Your young adult sons will also look at you, as if you have sprouted a third eye. Then they will leave. You will weep and gnash your teeth, like a madwoman, in spite of the fact that their departure makes your life much easier. All reason has fled.

Your husband will be a rock. He will shop and cook and still love you. You will catch him, however, muttering, rolling his own eyes and blowing air. It will really piss you off.

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