Published: 7/17/2012 8:00 PM | Last update: 7/17/2012 8:00 PM

I'm really surprised that this immortality thing isn't the No. 1 news story of the decade. After all, the news announcement came from the Harvard School of Public Health, certainly one of the most revered and trusted institutions in the world. According to "50 Plus," the Hutch News health magazine supplement, "A new study from the Harvard School of Public Health shows that eating even a small amount of red meat every day raises mortality risk by 13 percent, while a daily serving of processed meat every day comes with a 20 percent increased risk of mortality." By extension, then, if you want to live forever, stop eating red meat.

Of course there will be a few glitches, but that is normal for any major social change. Since the only people dying will be those in accidents or those still hooked on the insidious drug of red meat, many morticians may have to find another calling. Of course, we'll always have black market red meat purveyors furtively hawking their wares in dimly lit alleys, and a few lonely and depressed people will try to end their lives by gorging themselves on steak. Perhaps there will be danger from the secondhand aroma of a freshly grilled juicy hamburger, but I'm assuming Harvard will be checking that out, also.

Of course, the biggest problem is long-term: We really will have a population problem, as well as its concurrent issue of limited resources. Our current seven-billion world population will creep upward slowly at first, then increase inexorably and exponentially. Our only recourse is to colonize space. Astrophysicists have already identified several Earth-type planets capable of sustaining life as we know it. One of the most limiting factors in space colonization is our longevity, but that will no longer be a problem if we have forever. True, we may get a little bored living centuries in a spaceship, but by then we will have developed the technology for being placed in a cryogenic sleep or suspended animation.

Just think, this great news was hidden away on Page 5 of a newspaper magazine supplement! It wasn't a banner headline; it wasn't even the lead for the article itself. Kind of makes me wonder about the supplement proofreaders and their inability to extrapolate the consequences of such marvelous statistics.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if one of the biggest negative consequences of immortality is one I've already mentioned: boredom. I challenge you to ask yourself, "What would you do if you had forever?" When I asked myself that question, I quickly came up with a plan of action: I decided to go to Burger King and order two Whoppers with all the fixin's.

Jim Schinstock lists hamburger high on his list of favorite food groups. Email: schinjc@yahoo.com.

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Forever and a day